By: Hajra Aslam Motiwala
1. No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
*If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate within the terminal.
*If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
*Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
*If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen to paper. Or start to drink your coffee.
*If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
*Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the lavatory.
*The crying baby on board is always seated next to you.
*The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring.
2. Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st Customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd Customer: "Me, too --- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
3. You know you're getting older when...
Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
You look forward to a dull evening.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.
4. The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as EuroEnglish (Euro for short). In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik emthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter. In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go. By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou", and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drem vil finali kum tru!